Its crazy to think that i thought, that I felt, that I’d hit “rock bottom” months ago. I thought it was all smooth sailing, working hard, pushing through; I’d stay afloat. But damn. You think you’ve survived hell and you’re hanging on to a ladder leading you out, but all the rungs collapse and you fall even deeper than you were before. I’m rattled. People fall far that climb high. I took a big tumble. But I’m not Icarus. The fall didn’t kill me. The ladder i was on is gone. Disintegrated in every way and so unexpectedly.
My logical side isn’t broken thankfully. My ego is kicked and bloodied and beaten…. Probably a good thing in some ways. My pride is hurt and my trust is destroyed. But my logic has kicked in. I’ll survive this. All that was had to go away. My tenacity in hanging on, even to what doesn’t serve me, even to what harms me, harms me…. That’s the same lesson I keep getting from the universe. Don’t hold on so hard. Let go of that hot fucking rock. Why’d you pick it up in the first place?
So, what do i *do* now? I don’t have a fucking clue. Back on the hustle and grind it out. Take care of myself and my babies and find a way back in the flow. I couldn’t have seen this coming, from the perspective I accepted 11 months ago. Those bridges i crossed took me somewhere ENTIRELY unexpected. I wasn’t afraid when I started and I’m not afraid now. I know what its like to take a leap of faith and crash. My fear of failing, shoot…. That’s nothing. This is what failure is? It’s just learning and unlearning.
Damn, i have learned so much. So much about so many things. About people. About myself. About everything. My head feels like it will explode sometimes. And then i make art and it calms me back down. I stay in the sunlight and the wind and I remember all my “problems” are problems of perspective and expectation…. and i know nothing….