They were home for a week and now they are already leaving tomorrow to go on their next adventure. I feel like they just got here. I feel like they are taking my whole heart with them. I wonder if it is PTSD or just mom anxiety that makes me imagine the plane exploding on the run way as they take off. Seriously, I have to make myself not think these thoughts because I want to just keep them here, with me, all the time, even as they drive me completely bonkers with their youtube videos, and sibling rivalry, and ‘tween attitudes.
Kael is just growing up way too fast. He looks and sounds more like a teenager every single day. But still, my sweet boy. He finished all the books I bought him at the beginning of summer. Foolishly, I thought that would last him. I bought him 4 more today and he immediately started reading one, barely stopping to eat dinner. I am not ready for him to be in middle school. He may be growing up but he is so guileless and pure hearted…. except, on occasion, with his sister. He said so many things this week that told me that his heart is maturing even as he remains boyish and bookish.
Tula has had a bit of a roller coaster this week, but I think we are back on level ground. She was exceptionally polite to Kael and me today. I guess returning her birthday gifts and buying someone else a gift with the money was humbling enough for her to learn a bit of a lesson. Also, we had lots of long talks, both lectures and heart to hearts. It is so hard being a sassy, smart, but sensitive little girl. She remembers every wrong done to her, especially by Kael or myself. We are working on letting go of hurts and better appreciating gifts and signs of love. My little cancer holds her deepest feelings so close to her chest and she can be all pinch and armor when she is hurt. I could tell today she was at war with something but she couldn’t verbalize exactly what was upsetting her. The look on her face was enough to know she needed an extra long hug and some light-hearted silliness to move past it. Cat-tain America and Cat Vision to the rescue!
I was thinking today about seasons. Today felt like we were in the thick of the fairest of the seasons. All was happy and light and love. They even saw their dad today and he seemed well. Yet, I have this deep dread that nothing so good can possibly last. I have to consciously remind myself that stability and “normalcy” can be sustained. That yes, there will be incidents that rock the boat, but it won’t be like before. The constant stream of crises, catastrophes, and abuses that occurred in our lives were not due to me, Kael, or Tula; they occurred because #crazyisntparttime but we don’t live in that crazy world with that crazy person any more. The part of me that was crazy was the part that tried so long to change it. Now, I’m constantly embracing my own changes rather than try to change anyone else.
I cried more this week than I had in months. Even though my heart was troubled, it felt good. How weird it is to appreciate the struggle even in the thick of it. I had more than one mom fail. Maybe I was making up for time lost? I really did and do appreciate all the advice and perspectives that were shared with me. As with most advice, I will use what I feel I can and respectfully disregard the rest. I’m so thankful that I’m able to recognize where and when I mess up with Kael & Tula. I’m certain I miss just as many, if not more, screw ups as the ones I catch. But I am still so glad to catch any at all.
I know my babies will have a great time with their Grandma Gayle, Grammy, and Pop. I don’t have to worry about the plane, or the traffic around austin, or the statistical dangers of drowning. They will be in great, loving care, almost as TLC as a baby sloth cuddle puddle. I hope you are as well cared for, too.