Some weeks are rough, sometimes it is months or years that are. You have to find the happy in the sad and the soft and sweet in the hard and bitter.
Trungpa says, “the ideal of warriorship is that the warrior should be sad and tender, and because of that, the warrior can be very brave as well.” I have been thinking on this because I am tired. I am and I hate to admit that. I am sad, and exhausted, and worried all the time and I feel like that makes me someone not worth being around or caring about. It makes me want to crawl into my shell and feel sorry for myself.
I’ve done that a lot, by cutting out most of my social media interactions and spending less time with anyone except the bare minimum, ie Kael & Tula. Spending time with them is also thoroughly exhausting.
When they were babies, I would get “touched out.” I would spend so much time being tugged on, crawled over, fed from, and carrying them that at a point during the day I would have to tell Kael or Matt (Tula was still an infant) that I needed to not be touched for a while. I would feel my life force being leeched out of my body by tiny hands wanting love and affection. It’s funny because touch is such an important love language for me. Being hugged sends me over the moon. But, the wrong touch, even if meant completely innocently, can be like a type of death. It gnawed at my insides like dogs at bare bones.
I feel like that again today, empty with little to give. “Fake it til you make it” has been my motto. I keep going because I have to…And life is not so bad. It is a hell of a lot easier than a year ago. It is immeasurably better than two or three years ago.
If these are the lean years, then I will be thankful that they seem to be getting easier to bear, albeit no less wearying. I hope these are the lean years!
I see how much and how quickly they are changing. Tonight they wanted me to fix their hair for school pictures tomorrow. I put golden highlights in Kael’s hair and as I dried it he said, “this looks perfect. Exactly how I wanted. I’ll have the best school picture.” It was the sweetest display of self-esteem and pride in his appearance I think I’ve ever witnessed from him. He has always had such mixed feelings about his hair and the attention it garners. Such a change from last week, when he was forlorn because he has yet to make friends at school.
Tula… oh, Tula. Her emotions are crashing waves. She and I are both floundering and gasping for breath everyday. One moment she is happy, sweet, and silly the next she is angry and hateful. At least she doesn’t hide her feelings. You never have to guess where you stand with her, she will make sure you know. As upsetting as it is to hear, at least once a day, how she hates me, at least I know she has feelings. Hate isn’t the worst thing in the world. When she stops caring will be the day she breaks my heart completely. I hope that never happens.
But, I expect it to happen. I expect that eventually, both my kids will go live their lives and dismiss me for having served my purpose and time in their lives, like most people do. I’m really not very good at relationships and relating to people so I figure 18-21 years is a really decent run for me and something to be proud of.