I have never waited for anything the way I’ve waited for today, when nothing will happen.
I had a mentor once who told me he did not think I could be happy unless I was stretched just a little too thin, unless one of the many plates I was spinning was dangerously wobbling and threatening to crash to the floor. At one time, that was true.
I lived my life in perpetual motion and never stopped to wait for nothing to happen. I was always going, anticipating that something would happen. And it often did. When you live with an addict for 14 years something happens all the time. You worry and stress over things out of your control, over the person not only out of your control but without self control. So, I became a control freak. Everything I could control, or attempt to control, I did. Those old habits die hard, you know?
In the last week it has felt like everything has been completely out of my control. I surrendered to that pretty quickly. The things that were and are happening, are not even really happenings, just life. And I’m letting it be what it is. My daughter has had some medical tests done and we were able to rule out all the worst case scenarios. I really didn’t worry too much until the day of the initial test. My ex husband has been his typical self and is making his monthly appearance in my life a bit more annoying that usual. Of course, you know I got dumped. That’s… tiring to think of at this point. I don’t think I have much energy left for those hurts. And now, my son has the flu and I have two really stressful important work meetings tomorrow and can’t be home with him. He’s 12. I know he will be ok for a few hours and I’ll be able to call and check on him. But still, I’m looking at all these things that I have no control over, all these things happening, and I have never waited for anything like I wait for the days when nothing will happen.
In the summer, I love to sit on my deck at dusk and watch the sun set over the pine trees and between the Leland cypress trees in my yard. It is the moment I savor most each day, when I allow myself to feel nothing happen except the revolution of the earth as Sol goes out of sight for another day. I don’t do that in the winter because the wind is too cold, but I should. My deck is getting replaced this week so maybe this weekend I’ll be able to sit and enjoy the nothing happening around me.
I told myself I am going to start doing something I … I just really don’t like to do and that is to be vulnerable in what I write. I could tell you all the live long day about what happens to me. I’m pretty transparent that way. My life is a traveling circus and my brain is a side show attraction, it seems, so I enjoy sharing the happenings of my life. I do not, at all, like to talk about how they make me feel.
But, as a first exercise I’m going to talk about how today made me feel. Ok, here it goes….
Helpless. When things happen with my kids I feel so helpless and overwhelmed. Rationally, I know that I can and do take care of them. I have effectively been a single mother since they were born so nothing is new at this point. I know what I’m doing. I know how to take care of them. But when they are sick or I have to choose between being there for them physically vs going to work so I can provide for them, I never feel more overwhelmed and trapped and helpless than that. Thankfully, the helplessness only lasts as long as not having a plan. And I am a damn good planner. Once the plan is in place, I feel really empowered and powerful. I can take care of them and I do. I have an awesome support system that I’ve pulled together because I know how survive and thrive, and what it takes when you are mostly alone in the world with tiny humans depending on you.
That scary overwhelming feeling makes me long for the days when nothing will happen.