When the eye wakes up to see again, it suddenly stops taking anything for granted.
– Frederick Franck
After a year without a zen calendar, I had forgotten just how apropos each one could be.
I have struggled with insomnia off and on for many years. I have to carefully moderate how much and when I have caffeine because on the wrong day, a little caffeine after lunch can keep me up until 2 or 3 am. Sometimes, I can fall asleep just fine but then wake up and toss and turn for hours. Tonight was a wake up in the middle of the night episode. I woke up right at 2am and have been trying to sleep since then. At 5:30, I realized the futility of getting another hours worth of sleep so I started reading, which of course, lead me to start writing.
I have had my eye on a weighted blanket for a couple of years and considered getting one to see if it would help with my insomnia. This past Christmas, I received 2 weighted blankets from my family. I can resoundingly attest that the weighted blanket has improved my sleep quality and lessened my anxiety considerably. But, tonight even that wasn’t enough to combat my anxiety.
In the last 2 weeks, on top of all the personal stuff I’ve had going on, I ordered new windows for my house and am having my deck replaced. Both these things needed to be done and I had the money saved up to do them, but it still hurt to see my savings dwindle. On top of that my hours were cut at work, hopefully only temporarily, but that caused me to feel even more insecure about my job.
My job is… not complicated but is not something many people do or have heard of. It involves utilities, real estate, and natural resources. I work project to project and am employed by a broker. My employer/broker finds projects and clients for me to work for. Due to the economy and certain things happening in government, my client and many others are being much more conservative with their budgets this year, which makes my job a bit precarious. There will always be work for me, but in lean times it requires a lot of sacrifices, like moving often and far away. Considering I just put several thousands of dollars into my house that I also recently refinanced, I am not thrilled at the prospect of a work related relocation. That’s the “worst case scenario”.
Honestly, I don’t know if it would be that bad. Inconvenient, heck yes. But I’ve wanted to travel and live somewhere else for years and years and I’ve been here 10 years, the longest I’ve even lived anywhere. I love my house and I know my kids are happy here and this is HOME to them. But, I could move. I don’t have many friends that I see often (ever*), really only my best friend, and if I was somewhere else I’d be forced to leave my comfort zone and make new friends. I as much as I hate making new friends, I think it is time. See, my eyes are open, I’m not taking any opportunities for granted. I can see this hypothetical situation might be a really good thing.
I can say all that, but my anxiety is unabated, even while snuggled under my heavy blanket in my ultra comfy bed.