To be a warrior is to learn to be genuine in every moment of your life.
– Chogyam Trungpa
I think most of us hold different ideas of what a warrior is, or appears to be. I would not call myself a warrior. I do not think I am strong, despite people telling me I am. That is just their perception. I know all the ways in which I am incredibly weak. But, I do strive to always be real with people. And that’s hard, especially at work sometimes, but even still, being authentic, genuine, real, honest… is always my goal.
I have been genuinely sad, and overwhelmed, and unsure of myself in the last few weeks. Generally, I can take a hit and just roll with it. But lately, the hits have come one after another, relentlessly. If I am being genuine, I must admit that I have been scared. Not scared the way I used to be, with my crazy isn’t part time life, but scared that I will choose wrong or fail. I have also been tired, deep down into my soul tired, Writing, meditating, and yoga have all helped, without question, but they are just stop gaps to keep me going. I was to a point last week where I almost called my ex husband for help. If you know me at all, that should explain how close to the end of my rope I have been. He is literally THE LAST person I want help from.
You know, in that way I have a hard time being genuine. I deeply struggle with asking for help. Part of the reason I live so far from my family is so that I am forced to not ask them for help and figure it out on my own. But, the things I am struggling with now are not things they could help with anyway. As I told someone yesterday, I am not that strong, I am just too hardheaded to quit. I have always been this way. When other people give up is when my resolve hardens and drives me forward. But….
Today, I was exhausted. My nerves have been frayed daily by stress at work. I have been seriously considering moving back to Texas…. something I have always said I would never, ever, ever do. In fact, I said in all seriousness I’d rather kill myself than move back there. But, moving back there would be killing my Self. It would be taking a step backwards, a step that I think might cripple me for a very long time. But still, I’ve been considering.
Work today was not as stressful as yesterday, but still I was counting down the minutes until 5, when I could not jump to answer my phone or email for a little while. (Surprise, surprise, I still had to answer some tense emails after 5!) At one point today, I had to make a phone call that I really did not want to make. After it was done, and went better than expected, I called my coworker to let him know it was all going to be ok. He sounded as relieved as I felt. I thanked him for his help and he said, “I am happy to support you. We’re a team and we know things have been rough for you lately but we have your back.” Did he know that the “mean girl that lives in my head” had been telling me all day that I was screwed because I was on my own, that no one ever really cares, no matter what they say? I told him I had to go before I cried on the phone. And then I cried the whole drive home. Relieved, exhausted, overwhelmed, sad but mostly ok, and still confused about so many things that have happened lately, that is genuinely where I’m at.
So maybe, though I am weak and vulnerable, I am also strong. Maybe, I am also a warrior.