I think there is beauty in everything. What “normal” people would perceive as ugly, I can usually see something of beauty in it.
– Alexander McQueen
I have really struggled with today’s zen thought. Life has been so goddamn tense this week, it has been hard to be still at times, and especially today. It felt like every breath I took was waiting for it to be 5pm. Every time I got a call or text, I jumped in fear that it would be bad news. Today didn’t feel beautiful. The struggle didn’t feel beautiful in those moments.
But beautiful moments happened. I took a break and had lunch with my best friend. I almost donated blood, which has terrified me basically forever. I marked my calendar to actually do it next time, May 17th. A step outside my comfort zone is a beautiful thing. I caught up with my darling Alicia who is so far away in Vicenza. Bella! I took a walk through my yard, inspecting the trees and flowers that are starting to peek through the dead overgrowth from last year. I stopped as I was walking and observed a wee honey bee scrambling all over a patch of purple clover, and realized my yard is an ocean of teensy, tiny blue and purple flowers. Weeds, I’m sure, but beautiful ones.
And, the stress and worry… it’s beautiful because it shows how much I care. I said to someone earlier this week that I was mad at myself for caring so much and having so many feelings all the time. Crying at work is never pretty, but he said to me, “never hate your big, beautiful heart. It’s one of the best things about you.” So, I’m trying to not hate all of this, and love that I have the capacity to care such an awful lot.