Don’t bend; don’t water it down; don’t try to make it logical; don’t edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.

– Anne Rice

Of course she would say this, she is Lestat after all.

Writing the Ayahuasca series has taken a lot out of me. It’s hard to go back to those thoughts and that fear. I was so angry all the time. And beyond exhausted. Beyond broken. But, still intense and highly motivated. Always that, just sometimes, too many times, in the wrong direction.

It is a weird feeling, going back to the past in such an intimate way, picking apart those moments and emotions to record them; and tease out the story that is there to be told, rather than the bare events, uncovering the motivations, refining the fuel that powered those actions. But, I can’t let it remain a watered down memory. I’ve learned too much for that.

I’ve thrown myself into busyness in between writing. My fingertips and wrists are sore from practicing my violin, my fingernails have specks of dirt trapped under them from working in the garden every day. Today, I even used a sledge hammer. I will feel that tomorrow. But, I will be grateful for the pain. Life is growing up all around me. I am tending to my little life.

I am tending the garden of my heart mind, and love is growing every day.

The days are long but the years are too short to hold onto too tightly. They will sift through our fingers, like the soil we plant our lives in. Make it rich. Make it good. Love life, my darlings, as I love you.