“If all you can do is crawl, start crawling.”

– Rumi

If another person calls me and my children “a package deal” I will be sure to correct them. We aren’t a package and they aren’t baggage. It is so frustrating the double standard to dating that single parents face.

“You’re great but you have kids…”

No, I’m great because I have kids. If I didn’t have them I wouldn’t be who I am. They’ve each saved my life a thousand times and given me purpose and joy beyond measure.

And truthfully, because of who and how their father is, anyone who gets the chance to be in their lives is going to be loved more than they imagined possible, because these loves of mine, their bar is set so low. That’s why mine has to be so high, you know?

I was thinking about self destruction and why we make the choices we make. There are certainly times I just want to give into my self destructive tendencies. A LOT of times. But, I recognize what they are and I try to resist. It’s hard and I have to give myself grace and space to sit with all the tumultuous emotions they stir up…. but honestly, sometimes I just want to set it all on fire. Shit gets hard when you have gasoline and matches in your hand.

The thoughts above were written nearly a week apart and here I sit still feeling around the roots of these two sentiments. I have within my spirit vast unconditional love and dangerous self-destructive tendencies. You would think these two parts of myself would be at opposite ends of my emotional spectrum but they are, at least it seems at times, the foundation of all the masks I wear. These roots are deeply twisted into each other. Love and fear.

I have been needing and needling myself to get back on my yoga mat but I keep feeling a resistance within stopping me. I feel at times there is a war between the person I can be and the person I was and am, pushing and pulling, trying to break old patterns of behavior, only to find myself trapped in a new level of the same. At war with myself.

My yoga teacher’s first lesson to me was “you must begin where you are.” So, here I am, about to do some yin and get my SI joint to release and stop hurting me, and likely to be eaten alive by mosquitoes on the deck. But, I’ve got my mat and Marianne’s savasana. I’ll get through it.