“All I know is a door into the dark.”

-Seamus Heaney

Sunday- May 12

Lately, I have felt anger simmering within me, sizzling through the slit of my eyes with every blink, tingling across the hot skin at the nape of my neck.

Why am I so angry? I have to keep asking myself. Why? Why. Because is why. Because of imbalance. Because of unfairness. Because anger is my truest, deepest emotion.

I am always angry. It is the only way I know to be. The only way I know to survive.

That is what it feels like. I shrug under the weight of that feeling. It is like a lead vest during an xray. Heavy, dulling… protective. No, not protective. Defensive.

What am I defending against? What am I afraid to let in?

Angry at Ghosts

“Zen wants absolute freedom, even from God.”

DT Suzuki

Monday – May 13

My mother says I am angry at god but no, I am angry at the lack of god and mostly, the lack of god in people… including myself.

I grew up in the “buckle of the bible belt” and do you know what is under a buckle like that, what that belt is holding back? A fat, bloated, miserable gut. A body of christ filled with sinners who commune with like-minded sinners. Who cheat and lust and destroy families. Who lie and steal. Who covet. Who glut themselves on fried chicken and coca-cola.

Do you know, one of the first reasons I was told abortion was wrong was because there are so many people who want a baby of their own but can’t have one. Don’t save your life, don’t protect your future, give the baby to someone who covets it. Sick fucks. I never agreed with that logic. A teenage girl’s life is meaningless if she isn’t a virgin. Ignore what she wants and give the people who want something from her precedence. Terrible.

That belt isn’t a shroud or a swath, it’s a tool of discipline and punishment. To ‘disciple’ someone is to teach them to follow. But when you whip someone with a belt, you are behind them, how can they follow you that way?

It all infuriates me. I try to think compassionately towards believers of all faiths but I think of all the wrongs committed in the names of gods and it makes me sick. I think of all the spurious teachings shoved down into the minds of children and I want to… I want to stop them. I want to show them how much bigger than God the universe is. How much freedom is there. Why live in chains when you don’t have to. There is no hell but the one you create in your mind so why stay bound to rules and religion, traditions and conventions? Why?

All I know is a door into the dark. All I know of light is what I carry within, free of god and mankind.

The above were triggered by specific people and events and although they are strongly felt, the strongest of these feelings are temporary. These are things I would normally keep privately written but feel oddly compelled to share.

And as Mr. Meeseeks proclaims, “Existence is pain!”

Edited again to add that perhaps my anger is hormone fueled? I quit taking all my meds a month ago, including birth control so this may be some slight PMDD happening. I know my tits hurt and I feel puffy and murderous but also like crying. And just writing that out makes me realize that yep, i am definitely about to start my period. Yikes. Sorry, y’all.