The more faithfully you listen to the voice within you, the better you will hear what is sounding outside. And only she who listens can speak.

Dag Hammarskjöld

I keep thinking that I should apologize for my anger in my last post. But then, no. My anger was valid, if possibly misdirected. I have a right to feel angry. I don’t have to apologize for my feelings.

I didn’t act or react in my anger, I don’t think, beyond what I wrote. Maybe even that was too much reaction… I’m not sure. Acknowledging my true feelings is still very foreign to me.

So, why was I so angry? Mother’s Day… any holiday that is supposed to be about me, my narcissistic ex husband tries to ruin. He hasn’t seen or spoken our children since January and asked to see them mother’s day weekend. I told him we had plans. Then he asked to see them the following weekend. I said maybe. Then he texted me on mother’s day, after weeks and months of silence to talk about seeing them and the details. I spoke with them about it and had a long talk with my son, who is so emotionally mature for his age. It really scares me sometimes how much he perceives and understands.

He doesn’t want to see his dad, which is totally acceptable and understandable. He said that he doesn’t forgive him. Also, understandable. He’s been a bit obsessed lately with drugs and alcohol abuse. They’ve been talking about that in his health class. He says he doesn’t forgive his dad for being addicted to drugs. I think he is holding on to that specifically because it is easier to blame his addictions for his behavior than to accept that he is who he is.

It is a struggle I know too well.

It’s been so hard to work through that myself but thankfully, I have been working on it just so I would be ready to help the kids through it. That has basically been my mission for the last 2.5 years. Be well and be ready to help them be well.

Sometimes I feel like I’m getting it mostly right and other times I feel like I’m doing everything wrong. And sometimes I’m just God damned exhausted of having to do everything right and be responsible and take care of everyone and everything when no one is taking care of me…. but me.

That is an exaggeration. My best friend helps me take care of me. The babysitters I pay and the housekeeper too, help me take care of me. We don’t have or need a nanny anymore but when we had one, she was amazing and was constantly telling me to take care of myself. I’ve gotten better at that, too. But, it’s still shockingly difficult.

So, I’m not sorry for being angry that I have no co-parent and my children’s father is a negligent shit. That is worth being angry about sometimes.

I’m trying to listen to the voice inside me but right now I am just afraid. I’m afraid for my babies to get hurt by their father again. He won’t hurt them like he used to, with words and cruelty. Now he hurts them with their own hope that he will be something that is impossible. I’m proud of my son for setting his boundary. I just hope my little girl learns soon to do the same.