I’m weighing some things out and using this space to get my thoughts down and out to the Universe.

Exactly three years ago I left my energy sector career to work at the school I started full time. Which means exactly three years ago the #summerofYES started.

Growth is a spiral, right? Action, Feedback, Reflection; that is the path and the pattern. I have felt myself in the uncomfortable limbo of the ‘not-knowing’ place, directionless, and just treading water in these past few months. But in the last few weeks, maybe a month more or less, I’ve been concentrating on making it “FUNcomfortable” again. I have to be so intentional about the “fun” part, so I don’t fall down to such an unhappy mental place and get stuck again. I’ve learned that from last time. I’ve learned so much about when to pause, when to rest, when to push. I’m learning my own rhythms better.

I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. It wasn’t the right fit for me at the school, so I came back to what I know. It still doesn’t feel right where I’m at but it isn’t terrible. And I’ve still got time to figure it out, I guess.

I still have the drive to have my own business. I am just not sure what I want that business to be. The not knowing. I hate not knowing. I was speaking with my brother about this last night. We talked about what our options were. We have similar issues. Little formal education, the same career/field, the same income. It is hard to walk away from a good pay check for an uncertain one, especially when you have kids.

When I left my career for the school, my intention was to get it running and steady so I could have passive income, move to Costa Rica, homeschool my kids, and write and paint full time. I still want to homeschool my kids, have passive income, and write and paint full time. Who doesn’t want that, right? Costa Rica was my chosen destination for a multitude of reasons: strong expat community, exceedingly low cost of living, easy immigration/visa process, agreeable climate (once you acclimatize), beautiful country no matter where you go, large yoga community, and minimal language barrier.

Three years later and Costa Rica is less appealing as a place to settle for completely different reasons. I plan to visit again, hopefully many times, but I’m not so sure I could live there with the kids. I think when they were younger they would have adapted better. Being tweens makes everything a little bit more challenging.

So, where could I move? Where in the world can a family of 3 safely live on a minimum of $1500/month, with reliable internet/cell service, reasonably reliable post/mail delivery, easy to obtain visas (no work/study required), and speak English/Spanish/French/German? I could probably learn another language, but that would slow down the process. My two little adventurers are open to nearly any of my gambits and trust that I will make sure we are safe, happy, and mostly comfortable.

That said, when I ask them about moving back to Texas, where we are from originally, they say they don’t want to go there. It’s nice to visit Grammy, but it isn’t home to them. I am so relieved that they feel that way. I have a few friends there but I don’t know that we, as a family, could integrate into life as easily somewhere where we have a past and know there are unspoken expectations and many opinions about who and how we should be. No, somewhere new is preferable in that case.

The ‘Nos’ are easier to identify than the ‘Yeses’. If I follow Mark Manson’s advice that every maybe or soft yes is a hard no and only “Fuck yes!” is a yes, then so far all I’ve got are no’s. You see my predicament.