I wish I could show you,

When you are lonely or in darkness,

The Astonishing Light

Of your own Being!

– Hafiz


We are blind to such a vast portion of reality, not just mentally/emotionally, but physically. I have always wondered so much about what is unseen. For so much of my life the unseen and unknown things frightened me. Piecing some of that fear together, it is easy now to identify that having a chaotic and unstable early life created a natural distrust of what I could see, and then naturally, an even greater distrust of things like “god” or “spirit”, the bigger unseen things. This all became internalized into great self doubt.

I haven’t much touched on trust in this forum. I don’t like talking about trust. Mostly because I just don’t trust. It is probably my greatest flaw and also, the only reason I am so resilient. I have talked with the people closest to me about my lack of trust. When you are a victim of gaslighting for so long you question your sanity and rationale. When your emotions are heightened it can trigger your distrust and doubt about those around you as well as yourself.

I told one of my friends recently that when I first met him I really wanted my best friend to meet him so that I could be certain that he was Real. I know, that’s crazy… I know. My therapist knows, too. It’s a sort of dissociation from PTSD. I question if things are really happening or if people are real. It is one of the lingering ways my brain is still broken healing and it is scary and frustrating. It happens not just when I am sad but also when I’m very happy. Also, I can never tell when people are sincere, so I assume they never are. My best friends are so extremely wonderful, because they know this about me, and I have trained them to say “i love you” every time we talk on the phone. I have learned to make some of my needs known and they are generous in fulfilling that one.

Because they love me, they have shown me different ways to love myself. They also let me see myself through their eyes. They show me the light of my own astonishing being with their love and reflections. That has in turn allowed me to begin to recognize that light within when I am alone. For example, I have more good thoughts than bad thoughts. I care about so much more than my little life and try to help others. I forgive the brokenness in people. I try my best to share the best parts of myself and protect people from the worst parts of myself. I can forgive and have compassion for myself. I have a good heart. I can say all those things are real and true, even if they are unseen, because I feel them reflected in the people around me.

And, most importantly, I know all those things are true of you. You have a good heart. You have good thoughts. You care about other people. You contain the Astonishing Light of Being. When you are lost within your own darkness, remember that you contain Light. You can find your way out again. It may feel tiny but it is there and if you concentrate on it, it will grow.

I cannot wait for your glow up. The world needs all our Light right now, yours especially.

Love life and be Light,

Audaciously,

Allie